Let your children watch Sesame Street, especially Monsterpiece Theatre

Can't believe what I have been reading today about Sesame Street being no longer appropriate for children! I grew up loving Sesame Street, I would watch it every lunch time and love the Cookie Monster! I am not obese, violent or a smoker so it clearly didn't influence me to do anything bad.

Monsterpiece Theatre has been particularly criticised because Cookie Monster smokes a pipe (which he sometimes eats). Do they not realise that kids can walk down the street and see people smoking? Doesn't mean they're going to do it, and even if they do it's their choice! What happened to personal choice?!

Alien creatures discovered in Suffolk

There has been a discovery of a strange life form in the Southern English county of Suffolk. The find, which happened late last night has baffled scientists and is being considered as an attempt at an alien invasion.

The discovery on Sunday at Redgrave Park Farm near Diss, is being described as over 6,000 unknown species. One onlooker described an unusual shaped creature with wings, webbed feet and a hard almost-plastic mouth.

The BBC reports, "A 3km protection zone and a 10km surveillance zone have been set up and the farm is co-operating with vets."

In a slightly bizarre twist Mr. Benn was on hand to comment in Parliament yesterday. Mr Benn told the House of Commons: "I'm not going to speculate as to whether this outbreak is going to get larger."

Police and scientists at the scene are being sprayed with a special hose.

Despite this obviously being due to extra terrestrial activity they are investigating it's origin. "At this stage we are looking with an open mind as to the origin and all potential sources of the origin will be investigated." We're still waiting to hear from our close friend Mr. Pennington.

Ken Livingstone's pants are on fire

A great black smoke covered much of London today as the Mayor visited the 2012 olympic games site. Ken Livingstone was just preparing his speech on how little money they'd spent on the sports extravaganza when his pinstriped trousers began to smoulder.

Onlookers described their shock and outrage as Livingstone's pants burst in to flames. Onlooker Paul Izzet said,"After 10 minutes, it was like having your face six inches from a coal fire, it was that hot".

Office workers across London rushed to the window to gaze at the spectacle, much like in a school playground when a fight was about to break out. Police commented that they did not think it was a terrorist prank, "Not at all," said a police spokesman. "It's a fire -- a very large fire."

Despite two ambulances being called to the event nobody was injured and Livingstone was treated for mild burns.
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The not so changing face of Jamie Oliver

This afternoon whilst watching reruns of Jamie at Home (mainly so I can hurl abuse at the cockney dickhead) I noticed that the pie faced Oliver has barely aged. Since he burst on to our screens with his book 'The Naked Chef'' way back before the Milennium bug his cheeky-chappy face was framed by a mane of wavy mousy brown hair. Now, more than 8 years on from the launch the man who is keeping cockney rhyming slang alive appears to have not aged in the slightest.

Maybe this goes some way to explain why his face has caused so much controversy with British residents. It has been reported that, "Official figures show that more than 380,000 started a new life overseas, unable to endure another second of grinning chef."

I am intrigued by his anti aging technique. I imagine, if asked, he would say it was down to a healthy diet comprising of youzou lemons, home grown radish and le boeuf. He is not a scratch on L'argent et la Rue favourite Nig.
[source]

Phil Collins is a gorilla

It's easy to get bogged down with the stuff that we hate or the things that make us angry here at L'argent et La Rue. So here is a bit of light relief in the form of the latest Cadbury advert. It's great to see a gorilla that is so well musically trained. Maybe the 'Gorillaz' could become a real thing? One thing is not clear, what has a gorilla got to do with chocolate? Maybe we don't want to know the answer to that. Enjoy...

The Bad Book - Jeremy Kyle

Who does Jeremy Kyle think he is? Every morning, he rounds up the stragglers from the dole que, packs them into his studio, reveals the real biological fathers of a child or two, then proceeds to disect the situation with a series of pseudo-psycholoical phrases.

Except half the time, he hasn't got a clue what he is talking about! Every time he muses, 'hmm, interesting theory', or 'well it's probably because you were rejected by the neighbours dog', he sounds more like he has highlighted and memorised bits of a psychology textbook than someone with actual insight.

The other half of the time, he is just patronising. He may as well say to guests, 'well that's because you are a fucking idiot'. Who does that little scrote think he is? I preferred him on the radio, when the guest's problems were raunchier (there was once a woman considering the down sides of a spit roast) and you couldnt see he stern little face.

So that's why you're in the bad book Kyle. You Twat.

Hotty of the Week: Roberto Cavalli (as Count Von Lagerfeld)

This week's Hotty is non other than animal print loving designer Roberto Cavalli! The Italian Stallion who has recently designed a collection for high street retailer H&M is pictured above at a Halloween party last week. He is dressed up in the ultimate costume as fellow designer Karl Lagerfeld. Cavalli completely stole my costume idea but I guess I can let him off.

We just love his tantastic complexion, WAG-esque designs and love for VB. He is just like you and me though, he loves just lazing around at home and cooking on his luxury yacht, just like you and me!

Previous Hotties: Wacko Jacko | Genghis | Ted Danson

Welcome to the bad book...Kerry Katona

Another new feature for L'argent et La Rue...The Bad Book. We often talk about the bad book so I thought I might start writing about it. A sort of virtual Room 101 that will slowly fill up with celebrities that we deem to be not worth their weight in reality TV video tapes.
First in is Northern Kerry Katona. This mainly stems from that AWFUL Iceland advert which she is currently gracing our screens in. My least favourite bit of the ad is when she says, "Big Posh Prawns".
I'm not even sure why Kerry is famous. I obviously am aware of her stint in Atomic Shitten and her little stint in the jungle but seriously, does that warrant fame? Does that warrant being on the cover of OK! every other week (Jordan is on the cover for the rest of the time). No Kerry, we don't care that you're up the duff again, no we're not interested in the latest golddigging man you've managed to track down in some dodgy Northern piss hole, and we certainly do not care about the argument you've had with him and whether you might split up again. Bored now. Time for a new celebrity interest.
Her latest assault on the world comes in the form of a novel which is apparently expected to be a bestseller at Christmas. For the love of God PLEASE don't buy it. She will only spend the ca$h on fishfingers.

Outrage at Hammersmith and Fulham Council as they Deprive Local Residents of Booze at Ravenscourt Park Fireworks!

The Sign prohibiting a selection of bonfire related items on the way into Ravenscourt Park, that may as well have read 'No Fun' should have said it all. As L'Argent et La Rue excitedly skipped into the park on Saturday night, eager to warm themselves up with mulled alcoholic beverages whilst making boom sound effects along to the fireworks, they were confronted with a terrible scene. No stalls selling alcohol! Whose wild idea at Hammersmith and Fuck Off Borough Council was this!

They may have thought it was for the good of the children (although who gives a fuck about the children as far as I'm concerned) but in actual fact, countless children could have been injured in the mad stampede for the pub as soon as the fireworks had finished. Didn't consider that one now did you Hammersmith and Fuck off?!

If like me, you are a fellow peaved member of this misled borough, please join me in a revolt! Withhold your council tax, shit in your recycling bags, MAKE THEM PAY!!!!

Heather Mills makes Sir Paul confess that she is nice

Ring, ring....Ring, ring
Sir Paul: Hello?
Dragon: (whimper)
Sir Paul: Hello?
Dragon: (heavy breathing)...hello.
Sir Paul: Heather? Is that You?
Dragon: Hello, Paul help, I need...
Sir Paul: I think you mean 'Sir' Paul.
Dragon: Yes, yes of course. Sorry Sir Paul, did you see me on TV?
Sir Paul: (sigh) Yes I saw your little outburst.
Dragon: They're on to me. I think they might know my 'secret'. If you could do one thing for me...
Sir Paul: £20 million is my final offer.
Dragon: (heavy breathing) one extra thing...Please tell them that I'm nice. I am nice, remember when I used to be nice to you? We had some good times, nice times. I was really nice, not crazy at all. I used to do charitable acts, and that's nice, right?
Sir Paul: What?
Dragon: So you'll tell them all that I'm a nice person? Not a golddigger. I'm nice. Not mad, insane or a fantasist. NICE.
Sir Paul: Well, if I thought you were that nice we wouldn't be getting divorced. Sorry but...
Dragon: TELL THEM I'M NICE OR I'M OPENING THE BOX.
Sir Paul: Box?
Dragon: YOU KNOW.
Sir Paul: Sorry Heather but I really must be going...
Dragon: YOU HAVE TO TELL THEM HOW NICE I AM!!

New Spice Girls video gratuitous gash shots

Friday night was the premiere of the latest reunited bands musical efforts. The Spice Girls have recorded the single for the current Children in Need campaign a track amusingly called 'Headlines'. The reunion is an obvious money spinner for the girls who all appear to hate each others guts anyway and can clearly only stand to be in the same room together for five minutes. Victoria "Posh" Beckham is probably in it for something to do as she has a swimming pool full of ca$h and has therefore taken a slightly superior approach to the band with her, you-girls-need-this-more-than-I-do stance. In the video I think she is trying to look sexy by messing up her pob and posing in a Basic Instinct style. She is also revealing an abnormal amount of flesh.

Geri "Ginger" Halliwell is truly living up to her favourite single title by being a complete wannabe. She is so desperate to be the most popular of the reunited band that she is literally just standing around in a bra and trousers. It is a completley unnecessary decision and one that will definitely make you ask, Why? when watching the video. Yes, she has nice abs but didn't she get those from a bad case of eating disorder?

Emma "Baby" Bunton who recently gave birth to her baby Beau is forced to sit behind a high table in the video to prevent her from revealing, shock-horror baby fat. I don't even know if she has any but she was clearly not skinny enough for a full length shot.

Melanie "Scary" Brown obviously wanted a piece of the revealing clothing trend so again poses pointlessly in a bra and skirt. She doesn't seem to care very much about the activities of Geri or Victoria.

Melanie "Sporty" Chisholm has repeatedly told reporters about her unhappiness with the decision to reunite. She comes across best in the video by refusing to pose in ridiculous underwear. I imagine she said, I am not joining in with this ridiculous gratuitous bullshit.

The Next Big Thing - Zoe Silver

They say that children are the future, so here's a glimpse beyond the barriers of time of a child who is set to become one of the biggest folk stars British Music has seen over the next ten years.

Zoe Silver, currently learning to play the keyboard, having already mastered Flute, Clarinet and singing is being groomed by L'Argent et la Rue to be the next decade's top singer-songwriter.

It seems that artists are getting younger and younger these days. Reigning queen of nu-folk Laura Marling is only 17 and already she is supporting the likes of Devendra Banhart on his latest tour, so we're taking a leaf out of Ma Spears' book and starting little Zoe now!

Watch this space!